When someone tells you, they have self harmed. what can a person do?… nothing, preciously nothing. what does that even mean – self harm. My only interactive previously with self harm was a porn video, there was this couple’s home made video and on the women wrist, there were scars lined up. i found myself thinking, who does that and it instantly turned me off. who in there proper mind use a sharp object to there body and doesn’t go all the way. more over as a habit, with lined up scars and everything. anyway.
I asked her to send pictures. that colourful, non inclusive spark, turned into wild fire and burnt everything. actually… it did not. who would have thought, apologises take beyond then just saying sorry. i never felt more helpless in my life then in that moment, when nothing i say sounded like an apology or even a honest reflecting. i guess, one should care enough. if i worried one bit more on loosing her, then on not receiving a textback. Things would be different.
hear is a women, who equipped with faculties to empathise and a heart to accept. but all of that comes with a price. she deserves a nurturing den that breads warmth and oozes care. but what do you call a man who live off of someone’s kindness, a vagrant. I will let you in on a detail, a show of twirling hipocracy. she was once with a man, for 2 years, a silly man to my standard, just because. he comforted her and stood as a beacon of validation among unfulfilling transactional relations. and hear i am asking the same for this women and even be hurt when she refused to do so. Now all i have is respect for that man, i guess silliness is what it takes. how i let myself out of the shell, for a women i have know for a week is a case study that i am gonna roll for rest of my life. I will tell you why, She was THE women. even when i remove myself out of equation, she represented conflict and life. conflict and life is what i fancy more then anything in my life. i take pride in even knowing her, and expecting her to serve me is beyond greedy. isss it greedy? to want! i guess, to pollute something beautiful with you, is enough for abomination.
She said so cutely “i don’t expect you to empathise with me, i know you can’t, a silence would have been nice but, you trivialised it and it went in minus”, she did take a joke on her, smart girl. there was a new standard established just for me, exception has been made, parameter has been pushed back. even then!. during the entire conversation i was thinking, there was so much going on for me and one thing, this one incident has proven a lot. and she was surprised by it all. i have done everything to expose myself, so she would see it coming. i can avoid all this contemplation by saying i just didn’t care enough or taken the conversation seriously. and i can and want to say that. a lot of people has not care for me, it didn’t effect me much.i guess people have different needs. something tells me i will soon be there.
All this is nothing new to me, the only variable was this particular women. and this particular women, throw me to think about people in my life. I know a man, equally conflicted but in different angle. i worked with him, helped him in few things, apparently. but i promises, that was not my intent. I did became source of his disappointment once, i had to do it, it hurt me a little. mostly i went on with my life. coz things happen. but hear consequences for my actions materialised a bit roughly, we planed to meet and perhaps sex was on the table. I feared (not confirmed, but afraid), my disappointment is more on loosing that opportunity then hurting her. in our last conversation at the end, i had to put this forward. she called it a cherry on top of her disgust.
honestly is another things, i use it as a defence. she called it entitlement, to throw things so i can feel good, letting her deal with it. all that i told, without thinking a bit did hurt her, “just because, your are honest doesn’t mean you are good”, thats was she was trying to say i guess, idk . but i have reaslised
and hear she is absolutely tarified that she has done it, she self harmed herself. fearing it might continues and she might throw off her life and that spiral could lead any where. being sane now and imagining that certainty of insanity unfolding and leading to devastation. must have sent chills down her spine. i can tap that imagination in me too, how things are going lately. on another note, i felt absolute fear once in my life, that is when i was flying my drone. seeing it drifting away in distance, my eyesight go blurred, figures twitching rapidly.
she used the word condescending, i didn’t know the meaning of it until everything is over. it apparently means, thinking yourself better then other. i meannnn, i meaaaannnnn. i never considered her inferior, thats exactly why i liked her in the first place.
it hard to argue with her, that points she was making. niuences she was bringing up, picture she was painting. as if she was seeing through my skin. another level of processing things. like she was a bat with sonar sensing and a i am a blind cow. at one point my heart ach, propably coz i was hold my phone with my left hand but mostly, one point she not literally said, “even if this episode didn’t happen, you are bound to hurt me, multiple times and i not in place to take it”. like okkkkk. i am not ready to agree.
I like people, who represent a conflict.
if i contemplate any further, i have to defect myself. i have whole life time to do that, i will do it slowly.
“my girlfriend candice” film by casey niestat. and you can probably sight the absolute dejection to reality in this text but, maybe, just maybe. if its true that randomness clouded us, and in some distinctive combination where i am lucky. i will meat her, i will be a person she needs and she is in a better place. but
to get something, one has to serve first. serve what, with what. its hard to sell yourself when you have nothing to offer i guess. one thing i have decided for sure, i will either provide or leave the conversation if not. all along i believe i was a decent man, arguably not strong but decent. i am provided wrong. there is no masculinity in demanding kindness. one must help himself and excess to share. this well must be filled from within.
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